Talkin' Pitchin' With Aarin' Heilmin'

Cue lights.
HEILMAN
Today, kids, we're going to learn about pitching. You can learn from me, and my good friends Mike Pelfrey, Scott Schoeneweis, and Rick Peterson. Here, at Talkin' Pitchin', having fun comes first, keeping the Mets in ballgames comes second!

I'm first going to answer some viewer questions.

Sal from Brooklyn wants to know: "Aaron, what is your key pitch?"

Well, Sal, my favorite pitch is the hanging changeup. I enjoy giving up home runs and scowling, and throwing the hanging changeup, especially to lefthanded hitters, makes it awfully easy to erode a lead in the late innings.

John from Staten Island writes in: "Aaron, how have you managed to earn six wins on the season, despite a VORP of only 2.6?"

John, thanks for the question. I learned the key skill of luck through communication with my good friend Joe Carter, formerly of the Toronto Blue Jays. He would consistently drive in 100 runs, while hitting barely over .250, not walking, and sustaining his reputation on an especially clutch moment in the World Series.

You all can remember my great playoff successes, right? Remember a little duel I had with Yadier Molina? Exactly. So part of my ability to win is based on my impeccable postseason record.

Brady from Cleveland wonders: "What is the outlook for Notre Dame football this year?"

Well, Brady, even with Jesus and Charlie Weis on our side, I'm not sure the season is shaping up too great. Prep QB Jimmy Clausen underwent a little arm surgery, and I'm not sure the offense can withstand the departures of Jeff Samardzija, Rhema McKnight, and Darius Walker.

I've heard they're planning on facing some tough teams like the Coast Guard, Merchant Marines, and the TSA training program because the other service academies aren't difficult enough.

Okay, so now we're going to learn this week's new pitch. This one is a real favorite of mine. Victor Zambrano taught it to me, and starting a sentence like that automatically makes you a legitimate pitcher. I call it the changeup-in-the-dirt. How do you think I've managed 15 hit-by-pitches and 13 wild pitches in my short big league career?

So, you assume the normal changeup grip, with four fingers over the ball. Then, in an important count where you can't really afford to throw balls, you proceed to throw the pitch towards the ground, preferably way inside or way outside. Don't be afraid to bounce it to home plate, but take heed: it is of the utmost importance that you don't confuse this pitch with my hanging changeup, which I taught you last week.

With that pitch, you assume the changeup grip, and throw it down the middle or on the inside half of the plate to a lefthanded hitter. Guaranteed to provide fan-pleasing fireworks at all times, especially in opposing ballparks. Take a look at my home run rate: it's no coincidence that it's higher than those of all other Mets pitchers except my next guest, Scott Schoeneweis, and I intend to change that.

Speaking of which, Scott is joining us in studio now. Thanks, Scott, for comin' on Talkin' Pitchin' With Aarin' Heilmin'.

SCHOENEWEIS
No problem, Aaron. I always would love to help out a fellow useless reliever.

HEILMAN
Well, about that, Scott, I was a little upset when I noticed that you hadn't given up an earned run on the road all season. I understand there are small sample sizes and all, but I was a little disappointed in your road splits for the season.

SCHOENEWEIS
I can understand that, buddy. I can try to give up long home runs, but somehow the opponents just can't touch my meatballs on the road. But I mean, look at you, you did manage to strike out the side today.

HEILMAN
Don't you dare try and trick the fan base. I allowed two runs in that inning, and by all accounts I should have given up even more.

SCHOENEWEIS
Fair enough.

HEILMAN
And, to wit, I have managed to allow all those runs in a very short career. I was a first-round draft pick, and I have had the fan base turn on me several times. Remember 2005? Of course you don't, but I was nasty. Mets fans were even insisting that I replace Braden Looper as closer. Thank God those times are over.

SCHOENEWEIS
Didn't you want to be a starter at one point?

HEILMAN
I'll handle the questions here.

(awkward pause)

HEILMAN
So, Scott, do you have any questions for me?

SCHOENEWEIS
Aaron, I was just wondering about those days when you wanted to be a starter.

HEILMAN
Well, ah yes. I still do want to be a starter, though the Mets seem to believe that failing in the bullpen doesn't seem to make me a better candidate for the rotation. I might add that I was sterling in the rotation in 2005, and although I have had bumpy times in my career as a starter, the Mets' campaign of hate against me is totally ridiculous.

SCHOENEWEIS
I've been a starter before, and I'm not sure it's all that much better. Also, Aaron, I'm not sure exactly what campaign of hate you are referring to.

HEILMAN
Oh, Scott, I'm not sure you really understand anything. I am great, and you might notice all of the options the Mets have utilized to keep me from entering the rotation: Jose Lima, Jeremi (né Geremi) Gonzalez, Alay Soler, Jason Vargas, Mike Pelfrey, Dave Williams, Steve Trachsel, Oliver Perez, Brian Bannister, Pedro Martinez, Tom Glavine... must I continue?

SCHOENEWEIS
I'm not sure how many of those guys you mentioned have actually pitched for the Mets, but I digress. Aaron, have you not considered the fact that you throw only two pitches, neither of which is exceptional?

HEILMAN
Take a look at Tim Wakefield. He throws only one pitch, and he's probably the most celebrated pitcher in the history of the major leagues. With double the pitches, I will double Tim Wakefield's success: he has 159 career wins, pencil me in for 318.

SCHOENEWEIS
Aaron, I went to Duke, and aside from learning how to run an offense from Coach K, I learned a little thing about logic. That's flawless. I also met some very fine strippers there, though they kept trying to swab me in between dances.

HEILMAN
That's quite enough, Schoeneweis. Win a few games, and we'll talk again, okay? Special thanks to Scott Schoeneweis for appearing on this program, and while I'm on the topic, I would like to note that all guests on Talkin' Pitchin' With Aarin' Heilmin' receive a $5 gift certificate, erm, coupon, to the Olive Garden, and a urinary tract infection. Let's bring in our next guest, Mike Pelfrey, joining us via satellite. Hi, Mike. You're appearing via satellite from New Orleans, as you've just been demoted, correct?

PELFREY
Aaron, I'm backstage. Making the footage a little grainy doesn't make it seem like I'm appearing via satellite.

HEILMAN
Okay, okay, save the criticism for your parents, those who delivered such an incomplete pitcher into this world.

PELFREY
Aaron, you're a dick.

HEILMAN
Dry, acrid wit from you as always, Mike. Tell us a little bit about your methodology on the mound today, managing to allow three runs in five innings to the Phillies with three walks despite not pitching in nine days, bringing your record to 0-6 on the year. I have six wins on the season. Mike?

PELFREY
Well, Paul Lo Duca told me to go out there and just throw, and I managed to --

HEILMAN
Excuse me, Mike, but our good friends at Elias are telling me that in my last start, in 2005, I struck out 7 against the 2006 World Champion St. Louis Cardinals. What are your thoughts on that?

PELFREY
(flips off camera, walks offstage)

HEILMAN
Well, it looks like we're having a few problems with the satellite feed, but I'm sure Mike will be back soon. Then again, maybe he could use a little practice at pitching. Let me remind you, all guests on Talkin' Pitchin' With Aarin' Heilmin' receive five dollars off a meal for four or more at the Olive Garden and a real bitch of a urinary tract infection. At the Olive Garden, when you're here, you're family.

Let's welcome our final guest in-studio, Dr. Rick Peterson, the Mets' CEO of Pitching.

PETERSON
Namaste, young grasshopper.

HEILMAN
So, Rick, do you think you could fix me in ten minutes, huh?

PETERSON
Time represents that which cannot be governed by the heavens, Aaron. We are trapped in this submarine, and doomed to repeat history's mistakes if we shall fail to pitch below thigh-level.

HEILMAN
Yes, definitely. What do you think of my changeup?

PETERSON
Aaron, without your changeup, it would be as though Jimmy Page without hands, Louis Armstrong without a mouth. One cannot make beautiful music without sinking action on the changeup, or essential organs.

HEILMAN
Absolutely. Let me take a second, Rick, to complement you on your fine polyester/nylon-blend jacket there. That is puffy beyond belief; you resemble a man of great stature with it and a Jheri-curl atop your head.

PETERSON
Why thank you, Aaron. But I ought to warn you- there's no chance of you becoming a starter, ever. We have some fine talent coming through this organization, as silk through the roads of China during the time of Marco Polo, and I fear you might have the wrong impressions of your likely fate.

HEILMAN (crying)
Is this really what you think of me, Jacket? I've made all of these sacrifices for you; I gave you my clean sample, and this is how you repay me? How dare you?

PETERSON
Relax, don't do it, when you want to go to it.

HEILMAN (still sniffling)
That's all the time we have, on Talkin' Pitchin'. I would like to thank my middling guests, and I'll be back at work, throwing some games for the Mets, as we continue along this road trip. For all of us here, at the Olive Garden, I'm Aaron Heilman, and I will haunt your excretory system. Good night.

FIN

Just a note: I was disappointed to find that my blog is only the seventh hit if one Googles the phrase "Aaron Heilman stinks". I'm determined to change that.

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