After yesterday's thrilling game, in which everything except David Wright's throw and Brian Bannister's hamstring went our way, there's an off day. Sure, we're flying to Hotlanta to face Larry, 'Druw, and Adam LaRoche. But what does one do on an off-day? I was first thinking about writing poetry, but Endy and trendy really shouldn't rhyme.
Then I was thinking about offfering up a Delmon Young crack. That's a funny story.
How about Keith? Played, I think.
But then I remember a story that Newsday broke earlier this week.
I'm sure you heard it too. If you didn't... click it. But inquisitive blogger that I am, I tried to dig into the history of conversations between Marlins GM Larry Beinfest and other trade partners.
2006:
Larry Beinfest: We've got this kid Willis. Whaddya say we trade him for David Wright?
Omar Minaya: Are you crazy? Get off the phone.
2005:
Larry Beinfest: Hey Ed! Ryan Howard! I love him. Whaddya say Jason Vargas for the big kid?
Phillies GM Ed Wade: Come now, Larry. Hang up.
2004:
Larry Beinfest: Dave Littlefield! My man! How's it going? Anyway, we've got this kid Hee-Seop Choi. You ain't never seen anything like him. I was thinking Jason Bay might be a fair deal?
Pirates GM Dave Littlefield: Not a chance! We can't build this team without core players like Jason, and, uh, John Van Benschoten!
LB: Whatever.
2003:
Cardinals GM Walt Jocketty: Hello?
LB: Jockstrap! It's your boy Beinfest! How's it hanging down in the STL? I'm about to offer you the greatest package for Al Pujols you've ever heard.
Jocketty: I'm listening.
Beinfest: Two words: Tim. Spooneybarger.
2002:
Giants GM Brian Sabean: Who's calling? I'm on the other line with Greg Anderson.
LB: Sabes! It's Beinfest. How goes it in the Sucka' Free? Anyway, Barry Bonds. Ya dealing him?
Brian Sabean: What are you offering?
Beinfest: Prepare to be blown away. Can you guess what I'm thinking?
Sabean: Josh Beckett? A.J. Burnett? Brad Penny? Carl Pavano? Cliff Floyd? Derrek Lee?
Beinfest: Close...
Sabean: Luis Castillo? Preston Wilson?
Beinfest: Sabes, ya almost had it. Braden Looper. How's that sound? Loopy and a mid-level prospect. Brian?
2001:
then-Expos GM Jim Beattie: Qui c'est?
LB: Voulez-vous couchez avec moi, ya sonofabitch! It's Beinfest!
Beattie: Qu'est-ce qui s'est passé, cher Larry?
LB: No mas, amigo. Anyway, Vladimir Guerrero! You listening to offers for him?
JB: Non, mais j'aimerais écouter ceux que vous va dire!
LB: That's great, because I was just considering trading John Mabry. Maybe we could work something out!
JB: Vous etes un homme très bête.
LB: You too, my good man. I'll fax it to Selig. Tell the kids I said "Bonjour!"
2000:
Seattle Mariners GM Woody Woodward: Beinfest! What can I do ya for?
LB: Well, I'm pretty okay now, we just got Charles Johnson. He's gonna save the franchise.
WW: Sounds good. Anything else I can help you with?
LB: Yeah. A simple trade. Just a little swap in a couple of names.
WW: Lemme guess. A Mike swap? Cameron for Redmond? That's crazy talk.
LB: I was thinking an Alex swap. Rodriguez for Gonzalez? Gonzalez has power and speed and A-Rod's at his peak.
WW: Throw in Cliff Floyd.
LB: Get lost!
1999:
Walt Jocketty: Beinfest, my boy. How goes it in sunny Florida?
LB: I love it. We're on our way to a 64-98 season.
WJ: Ouch. There anything I can do for you?
LB: Yeah. Actually, do me one favor. I did give you Renteria.
WJ: Fine.
LB: Kevin Millar for Mark McGwire. Millar's a clubhouse spark, and, that McGwire, he's going to forget the past quickly.
WJ: I'll meet you in the middle. You hang up and I'll buy Braden Looper back.
Beinfest: I won't get off this phone until you trade me McGwire!
1998:
Brian Cashman: Cashman here. I hope you're calling offering us some burnt-out superstar. George really wants one now.
Beinfest: Sorry. I already traded Bonilla, Sheffield, Piazza, Renteria, the whole gang. I've got Craig Counsell though.
Cash: Why are you calling then?
LB: I really need Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams. I will gladly offer up Gregg Zaun. The 10 fans that come to our games don't tolerate 100-loss seasons. Though I'm pretty sure they're Fidel's guys trying to capture Livan and bring him back.
Cash: I'm sorry. We had them euthanized after they kept shining lasers at El Duque's forehead.
LB: I'd try that, but we can't afford euthanasia. What about Ginsu knives?
1997:
Steve Phillips: Hey baby... I've been waiting for your call. What are you wearing?
LB: Uh... It's Beinfest.
SP: Holy crap. Don't tell Wilpon.
LB: I won't if you do me one favor.
SP: Anything.
LB: I want $220,000, Mr. Burkle, ah just kidding. I want you to trade me A.J. Burnett.
SP: For what? Castillo? Moises Alou? Kevin Brown?
LB: Wrong, wrong and wrong again. Al Leiter!
SP: You must be off your rocker!
LB: Oh, Mrs. Phillips..., Oh, Mr. Wilpon....
SP: Fine. Geez.
now it all makes sense...
I'll be back on topic for the big series at Jesus Freaks Stadium tomorrow.
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