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Mets Wrap-Up (aka Kepp' your head in the game, Jeff)

Apparently Omar Minaya took a page out of Dick Cheney's book.

Did Minaya accidentally shoot Tony Bernazard in the face during a toucan hunt? Certainly not.

But he is pulling the old hometown hose job. Rather than play Jeff Keppinger's superior numbers and awkward skinniness at second base, he's going for his second favorite player with two last names. His first is Flyers winger Turner Stevenson.

Why did he pick the attractive in-house candidate? Well, the Vance Wilson for Anderson Hernandez swap was only his second trade as Mets GM, after the Ryan-Fregosiesque Fatso for Run Fairy deal.

Keppinger was acquired in the (cartman voice)"Oh my god! They traded Wiggy!" deal, while Jim "I traded for Kris Benson Twice in a year and a half" Duquette was GM. Sure, he doesnt do anything but hit, but Minaya likes a good veteran 'stache over bench pop.

The last time a professional sports prospect was involved in this type of robbery, Maurice Clarett claimed he was innocent.

In other news, Omar Minaya has placed Heath Bell below Desi Relaford and Todd Zeile on his list of potential bullpen options. Bell, however, will be at Shea on Opening Day, as rookie Braves 2B Jon Schuerholz (yes, he does exist.) tried to take a hit out on him after watching Mets Weekly and finding his house. Said Schuerholz, "Daddy said that he needed me to fix their bullpen. I broke Wags' finger, beat the funk out of Chad Bradford, changed the prescription in Duaner's goggles and fed Jorge Julio 16 kilograms of fried chicken. I decided it was best to coat Heath's massage chair in Icy Hot and jump him."

Mets brass also decided to shove "Donnie Drysdale" in the pen. With the lethal bunch they've got out there, maybe Mr. Milledge will have to park his RV under the scoreboard and invite the gang for dinner. Just because KazMat's on the DL doesn't mean he can't cook (or not cook) his famous sashimi. "It made Mr. Saul Katz want to let me try on his ring. So, yeah, I give it to Anderson, he'll give me the second base job. If I can slip it in Julio's egg whites, maybe I can even be a veteran leader," Matsui said through his interpreter.

One final note, an obligatory plug for the city's greatest magazine. They ran a piece on Johnny Damon this week. Check it out.

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