Bench-Clearing Brawl

And now to the benches... the most revered aspect of both New York teams...

Back-up Catcher: Ramon Castro vs. Kelly Stinnett
Stinnett doesn't make Yankee fans miss John Flaherty's .200ish average, but you've gotta go with Fidel on this one. The dude has the largest head in baseball. And he's an accused rapist. Not to mention his insane proficiency at being clutch last year, even when the PizzaMan couldn't deliver. Also, Stinnett is older and fatter.

Utility Infielder: Chris Woodward vs. Miguel Cairo
Well, since Yankee fans are getting the Mets' sloppy seconds after the Mets stole Cairo's useless versatility from them last year, the easy answer is Woody. He can play every infield position and he can play them with ridiculous capabilities. He has like forty gloves too. All Cairo can do is swing at the wrong pitches, bunt when it's a horrible idea to do so, swing and miss and he can also display his lack of range at second base. Woody hit .283 last year and .365 as a pinch-hitter compared to Cairo's less than that.

Back-up Outfielder Who Can Hit: Victor Diaz vs. Melky Cabrera?!?!
VD, no doubt. He'll infect you with his Manny-like behavior in the field and on the basepaths, and right when Willie's about to bench him, he'll hit the ball about 700 feet into left field. And then a ball will hit off his head in the next inning. Regardless, Diaz is mad skilled. Melky, we'll see.

Back-up Outfielder Who Can't Hit: Endy Chavez vs. Bubba Crosby
Push, foo. Endy Chavez is a bum, but so is Bubba. Bubba's clutch, but Endy's a Met-killer. Endy's got more speed than Bubba, so think about that. Bubba seems to be better than Endy though, so it's a push.

Really Old Guy: Julio Franco vs. Bernie Williams
Julio, but in order to agree with me, you have to read this article in today's NYT (registration required, i think). The man eats 5,000 calories a day and like 60 meals. Is there anyone who's so utterly cool? Bernie, well, he can't play the outfield anymore (don't forget when the Mets had 3 sac flies in an inning against the Yankees last year) and he's really old. But not old enough to be Julio-cool.

Prospect Who's Been Around Forever: Jeff Keppinger vs. Andy Phillips
They're both like 28 year old utility infielders who may be able to hit, but they've never been able to get their chance. Keppinger always seems to break bones in strange ways. Too bad, he's cool though. Push.

Jose Valentin: Jose Valentin vs. ...
I've gotta give the Yankees the edge on this one, because Jose Valentin hit .170 last year, has a foolish mustache, is really old, can't field and is a massive waste of the Earth's dwindling water supply.