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If the Yankees were a bad sitcom: Bronx Blunders (pilot)

(Enter Derek Jeter with groceries. Alex Rodriguez steps out of the bathroom, he is shaving.)

Alex: I kid you not. Cliff was coming on to me the other day.
Derek: Really? I always thought he was such a badass.
Alex: He's real sensitive, actually, once you get to know him. He's got a lot of demons.
Derek: Whoda thunk it?
So who's comin to this thing?
Alex: The local pharmacist, Jason, that funky fish store owner Hideki. Everyone.
Derek: Should be fun. I'm sure glad we moved to the Bronx.
Alex: You're telling me! Although I am paying 25.2 million dollars a year for this house.
Derek: REALLY!?
Alex: Yea, no joke.
Derek: Well, I don't see muuch sense in that. I mean it's a good house in a good location but it's not all it's cracked up to be. Everyone in town talks about it but I think it's overrated and it's certainly not worth 25 mil a year.
Alex. Maybe. The last fellow that owned it was some arrogant sonofabitch who moved to D.C. He's having problems there I've heard. Why don't you get ready? They'll be arriving soon.
Derek: Alright, here put the groceries away for me.
Alex: (settles down in front of Gilmore Girls and begins reading Vanity Fair.) Wow. I can't believe that Tom Cruise won't drop that homely hoe.
(A knock on the door. Enter Jason Giambi.)
Jason: Hey Alex I let myself in. Oh, I saw Gary on the way here, he doesn't have a car so he might be late.
Alex: He's never been the same since they took away his house. I can't believe all the white people in the world really were against him. Steak's on the grill. (Enter Robinson Cano).
Cano: Sorry I'm a little late. I guess I really dropped the ball, as usual. (laugh track).
Alex: No, you're the second one here.
Cano: Where's Derek?
Alex: Getting ready.
Jason: So what's the meaning of this come together?
Cano: (laughs for a few seconds)
Alex: Jesus, grow up Robby, it's not that funny. He just said come together. (Cano giggles)
God you really need to mature before you're any sort of good friend. Hey Jason, have you gained weight?
Jason: Yea. You, know the whole cocaine problem. Well it's over and done with now, and I've never felt so good. Who's making the steak?
Alex: Derek. It's really delicious.
Jason: Oh, I don't know. I think his steak is a little overrated. Sure it's cooked well, but there's not enough sauce. You can't get messy eating it.
Alex: You're saying you don't like his steak because it's too clean? That's stupid. (Enter Jorge Posada with Randy Johnson)
Cano: Hey Jorge. Hey Randy.
Randy: Shut up Robby.
Cano: (whispers to Jorge) What's the matter with him?
Jorge: He's having a bad day. Someone looked at him wrong and now he won't stop bitching about it. Also his girlfriend dumped him. Suffice it to say she didn't think he was the Big Unit, if you know what I mean?
Cano: (laughs. then looks puzzled) Wait you mean his penis right?
Jorge: Yea. God you're an idiot.
Cano: Oh and Jorge, when did you learn to speak such perfect english?
Jorge: Que? (Derek comes down the stairs)
Derek: Wow, this is a party.
Everyone: HEY DEREK!
Derek: Wow, I didn't know I was so loved.
Alex: Are you kidding me? You're the poor man's Yuniesky Betancourt.
Derek: I don't like foreign foods.
Alex: Never mind. There's Gary at the door. (Enter Gary Sheffield)
Gary: Jesus it's cold out there! Mike, Hideki, and Shawn are on their way here.
Derek: What about Jaret and Carl?
Gary: Aww... you didn't hear? Jaret's in a coma. Bingo accident. And Carl... well Carl's not with us anymore. Fuckin lawn mowers.
Cano: Hey watch your mouth, Gary!
Alex: Oh wow, I feel so empty.
Randy: They had it coming. (everyone looks at Randy)
What the hell are you people looking at?
Gary: Hey good news! The landlord just gave me a few more months on my rent.
Derek: What are you talking about Gary? They kicked you out last year.
Gary: No. I talked with the guy. He told me he wanted me in that brownstone and that I was an integral part of the community. He even lowered the rent.
Derek: OK Gary... OK. (shakes his head)
Jason: Hey Gary how's that prescription goin for ya?
Gary: Oh, very well. The eagle flies at midnight. (They all look at Gary) What? It's just valtrex.
Where's Johnny?
Alex: Oh, I didn't invite him. There's something just creepy about the guy. He's too funloving, you know what I mean? (everyone nods)
Cano: I feel ya.
Alex: Shut up Robby.
(Enter Mike Mussina, Shawn Chacon, Hideki Matsui, Mariano Rivera, and Aaron Small.)
Jorge: Ole! Ahora esta un fiesta!
Cano: What?
Jason: Robby, you're from the D.R.
Cano: Oh, right, blame the Hispanic. There's a racist in the house, people!
Gary: Shut up Robby.
Mike: Hey, how's everyone doing! This sure is a big meet. (Cano cracks up)
Shut up Robby. How's it going Randy?
Randy: Screw you and your good intentions!
Mike: Ok then Randy. I mean sure I'm consistently a great guy, score way more pussy, and am more well-liked than you, but that's no reason to get testy. (Cano falls down on the floor laughing.)
Aaron: Hey want me to make the salad?
Alex: Fuck no Aaron. You made it great that one time, but I think that salad was a fluke. I wouldn't trust you with another salad.
Aaron: Oh c'mon guys. That salad was the best salad you guys had ever had.
Derek: That maybe, but you had never made it before and if you make a bad salad the night is ruined. Just pour the cocktails.
Aaron: But I'm terrible at-
Shawn (to Mariano): Hey Mari, I know you're Panamanian, but why do I get the feeling we're the only real black people here? Where's Octavio?
Mariano: Who knows. He moved here and I haven't heard anything from him since. He doesn't return anyone's calls.
Aaron: I heard he was eight feet tall with flowing red hair and... and... he killed dragons!
Gary: I heard he could throw 110 miles an hour.
Derek: I guess we'll never know who the real Octavio Dotel is.
Mariano: I call making the cake.
Shawn: Granted. You may not make dessert like you used to, but you still make the best damn dessert in New York.
Mariano: I know. Hey Jorge, how's it going?
Jorge: Que?
Mariano: Jorge everyone knows you can speak English except Robby.
Jorge: Damn it! What gave it away?
Mike: Hey where's Joe?
Alex: There he is! Joe, how's it going!
(Enter Joe Torre. He walks right past Alex to Jorge.)
Jorge: Hey skipper.
Derek: Alright. So is everyone here? Let the pictionary commence!
Jason: Randy... nobody knows what that is.
Derek: Gosh, it sure is good to get everyone together like this.
Alex: I got the feeling this is the beginning of a beautiful community.

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